Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
(# KATE BUSH: Wuthering Heights)
LIBBY: The human heart is a powerful muscle.
Like all muscles,
if you don't flex it once in a while it becomes tired, flabby and weak.
Confined to a prison cell, I kept my heart active with one pure thought,
that the love of my life was waiting for me on the outside,
ready to care for me, hold me close and tell me everything was all right.
#..Let me grab your soul... #
(HOOTING AND MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
Mum.
No knight on a white charger, no windswept poet - just me.
Only person fool enough to put up with ya.
This time...
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
BOTH: Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
(PROTESTORS SHOUT)
...I'm not going to let it slip through my fingers.
Frank!
I'll find my love.
And that's what you've blown your redundancy on?
God forbid
you'd treat your mother to a Balearic cruise, new wheelchair, pair of shoes.
I'm taking knowledge to the people.
And it's my mode of transport in my search for...
You're wasting your time on 'im. There's a reason you're on your own.
You're an acquired taste, like tripe.
Lucky I'm prepared to put up with you.
Lord knows no-one else would.
(MOBILE RINGS)
JAMIE: Karen, seen my phone?
(BABY CRIES)
Been busy, haven't we?
Hey!
Races with a few of the lads.
Don't blow it on some old nag, now.
Where was he when you were incarcerated?
Where was he when you needed support, needed love?
Where were you?
I was out in rain and snow, negotiating dog shit and cripple-kickers,
collecting signatures for the petition for your release.
Five names in your handwriting does not a petition make.
He doesn't love ya. He doesn't know how.
I experienced more love in a few short hours with him
than in all of the empty years before him.
If there is the remotest chance that he has a space in his heart for me,
then I have to find him and I will.
Knickers.
- I will! - No.
Knickers.
(Wuthering Heights PLAYS FROM VAN)
Wonder if you can help me.
- I'm looking for someone. - Is that right?
I've little information, but I can describe him to you.
Go for it.
Well, he's about your height, wild, long brown hair,
a bit worn around the edges.
It's vitally important that I speak with him.
Wild, long brown hair.
Goes by the name of Frank.
There's no bells ringing, love.
I know he's around here somewhere.
BOTH: DSS.
(CHATTER)
- It's the Social! - (SILENCE)
(FRUIT MACHINE BEEPS)
Can I help you, love?
- I'm looking for a man. - Aren't we all?
His name's Frank.
Frank? No, sorry.
I have to find him. Have to!
May I...powder my nose?
Is that a euphemism?
- Yes. - Fill your boots.
Is that a euphemism?
We could go on all day.
Door on the left.
Actually, love, I've just remembered they're out of order.
(FARTING)
Sorry!
Ah!
I've been feeding that all day. I knew it was about to pay out.
Well, it obviously just needed a woman's touch.
Is that right?
Either you've got it or you haven't.
I lay a finger on Ian, and it goes off like a rocket.
He always lasted a bit longer with me.
You know, prolonging the pleasure.
He's insatiable.
A right sex bomb.
Well, a bomb only goes off once, don't it?
More of a machine gun with me - bang, reload, bang, reload, bang!
Might be something lacking in your technique.
What he really likes is two fingers.
Stop shit-stirring and fuck off!
Oh, fifty-fifty?
Fuck off!
Fuck's he doin'?
LIAM: Nervous energy.
This kitchen floor hasn't been cleaned in months.
Stinks of baby shit in 'ere.
Dad, that smell's got fuck all to do with the baby.
They've got over 3,000 fraud officers
carrying out 2,000 investigations every week.
They've got mobile surveillance units, hidden cameras.
They're closing in.
Some twisted twat has phoned the hotline.
Can't stand to see a man try and better himself, provide for his...
- (KNOCKING) - You don't know me.
- I was told Frank lives here? - Never heard of 'im.
Well, if you do come across him, tell him...
tell him I won't be bothering him again.
I thought there was something there, but obviously there wasn't.
That's all.
Hey, if I'm paying for it, I want better than you.
DSS.
(ENGINE DIES)
I've lost a lovely bird down the lav this morning.
Seems a shame to poison them,
but they keep peckin' at me semi-skimmed.
I'm a marked man.
Eyes following me everywhere, waitin' to pounce.
Me number's up, Lillian.
The clock's ticking - tick, tock, tick, tock.
(Wuthering Heights PLAYS FROM VAN)
# It's me
# Cathy! # Oh!
FRANK AND LIBBY: To that tender night...
...which heaven to gaudy day denies.
(MUSIC FADES)
What's with the new telly?
Punters kept complaining about the quality of the porn.
This is HD. They'll have lulus coming at 'em every which way.
ECHOING MALE VOICE: Lillian...
Lillian...
Brendan?
£3.50.
JOE: Oh, here he is, public enemy number one.
You don't know what it's like, livin' in constant fear.
Treating everyone as a potential threat.
I'll been looking over me shoulder the rest of me natural.
No change there, then.
I might be able to help you out there.
Er, no...no. Rearranging me face is not an option.
Know thine enemy, Francis,
in...
glorious black and white.
(# KATE BUSH: Wuthering Heights)
Libby!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Whoa!
You don't mind sticking your tongue in everywhere else.
You're made for the job. Duck to water.
You just keep that enthusiasm up.
Yeah, well, I gotta get it somewhere.
You'll be getting more than enough.
You're booked for the whole day.
My clients are waiting for you.
Where?
What's the address?
Just follow the directions.
I'm telling you, that were my Brendan.
You hear about these spirits coming through the static.
Electronic voices coming from beyond the grave.
You been sniffing the poppers again?
That were just to clear me sinuses. I've been chosen as a vessel.
Karen, can you take Connor for a bit?
- Me arm's fuckin' killing me. - Daddy's home.
I've got to go straight back out, sorry.
Wouldn't be shirking your parental responsibilities, would ya?
I don't mind taking Connor off your hands,
but I'm fucked if I'm playing full-time manageress and psychiatric nurse.
- Karen's all right. - It's you she needs.
Look, I'll get your dad in tonight to man the bar
while I mind the baby, so you two can...
What?
Go for a nice meal?
Or have a quiet night in?
She wouldn't even know I was there.
Beware the scarlet woman. She says you're a fool.
Fuck off, you weirdo!
This could be you. It's initial K.
An older man has put you in a very awkward position
and he's dangling something over you.
Happens to me every day of the week!
- She's a good girl, Karen. - It's complicated.
You can't go running out the door every time things get rough.
Do you think I don't know that?
From where I'm sittin'?
I was right, wasn't I? He was nowhere to be seen.
Each and every time a man enters your life,
you lose all sense of reason.
Each and every time?!
There have been three men in my life, Mother.
All wasters.
You set your sights too low. It's always been your problem.
I've been taught to, since I was a kid.
I hope you're not insinuating...
"Don't wear your skirt so short, Libby, you've not got the legs for it."
Calves only a cow could love.
"Don't worry, Libby, looks aren't everything."
You had skin like bubble wrap.
"There are some smells even a deodorant just can't disguise, Libby."
You had a traumatic puberty.
I turned down every opportunity of happiness, just for you.
I could have been a wife, a mother.
He's doing all he can to avoid you. That's my point.
Thought we could go out with the baby this aft,
get some fresh air, the three of us.
You should have said earlier.
Well, I didn't think we had to book.
Got something on.
Obviously.
Karen, I don't want a row.
You're not getting one.
I had a run of good luck on the horses.
That's what your mother said.
Gonna pay off Karen's cards.
Doing well.
Careful, though.
Everyone's luck runs out eventually.
Don't want to end up losin' everything.
- (MOBILE RINGS) - I have to take this.
What?
Yeah?
Well, it's not QV-fucking-C, is it?
Look, I don't like doing business over the phone. It's not convenient.
Who was that?
Jamie?
He's got a lot on. A lot of pressure.
You both have.
I've not made things any easier for him.
All I can do it get out of bed in the mornings.
Jamie's keeping all this going.
I'll have a word. Might make things a bit easier.
No, Paddy.
Thank you, but no. It's husband and wife stuff.
He needs to let off a bit of steam now and then.
Get off the leash a bit.
Let's just let him.
You know I could make life easier for you, Jamie.
All I'm saying...
...is that if you're looking for a way out...
...cos it's all too much at home...
...you got it.
I'll help you through it.
We can get through this, babe.
I'm doing this, doing you...
...to get my family out of the shit.
You fuck me because you love me.
I fuck you because you pay me.
Oh, cheers!
Got nothin' stronger?
THROUGH TEETH: Fuck!
Let's begin.
Something's just brushed against me, I swear.
Grow a pair of bollocks, will ya?
They're here.
(WHISPERING)
Speak slowly, lovey. I can't make it out.
Oh! Bunty, I don't know how to break it to you, but...
you've only got six months to live.
Oh, a new voice.
Micky, the scarlet woman is going to take you for everything you hold dear.
- You must fight her. - Where is she?
I can hear someone new.
It's a young girl.
Her name starts with the letter...M.
She's calling for her mum.
Time to let go,
move on.
I love you, Mandy!
We all miss you so much!
Go to the light, Mand. Go to the light.
See you next week, Frank.
We meet again.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Looking for Libby.
She's dead.
Found swinging in her cell.
Hung herself with her own pop socks.
Couldn't take the rejection.
You've got blood on your hands. I told you it would end in tears.
We...are...meant to be together.
We just are.
And I know it's difficult, you losing your only daughter,
stroke, unpaid full-time carer,
kept under your thumb, trapped by her narcolepsy,
but it's time you faced up to the fact she's got a life of her own to live.
Bye.
Help! Help! Pervert!
He's just exposed himself, waved it right in my face.
I...
Stop him! Stop him!
(# KATE BUSH: Wuthering Heights)
Don't go!
This was meant to be.
We were meant to be.
Frank! You came for me!
# Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy
# I've come home now... #
- (BLARING) - #..I'm so cold
# Let me in your window. #
(BLARING)
- Fancy making fifty notes? - Depends what I have to do.
A spot of waste management.
Something I started I need to finish.
(MOANING)
Oh, Frank.
FRANK: Oh!
LIBBY: Don't worry.
I can't manage it.
You've spent months...
longing, dreaming about this moment and now that it's here, it's...
it's just all too much.
Yeah, but I've never wanted it so bad.
You don't need to tell me, Frank.
Locked up in prison, the urges I had were all-consuming.
The things that went on within those walls, Frank.
What kind of things?
Hundreds of hormonal women.
Starved of sexual attention.
Not a man in sight.
You do the maths.
Were you ever tempted?
- No, Frank. - Huh?
What's that? I don't mind.
What do you take me for? I can show a little restraint.
No, I'm just saying... it wouldn't bother me.
Three, four times, tops. Look, you've made me blush now.
Tell me.
Well...
I can't remember all the details, but...
- I was in a hot steamy shower... - Yeah.
and in walked the MacKenzie sisters, two notorious lesbian siblings.
Their greedy hands quickly got to work on me
building up a soapy lather across my breasts,
pinching at my rosebud nipples,
hands reaching between my legs,
fingers gently tending my lady garden.
- Here we go! - Ooh!
I'm your 6.30.
How did you know?
I don't know anything!
Intuition.
It said two hundred on your website.
That should buy a couple of hours.
You should spend them with your wife and kid.
- Fuck you. - Son, don't be stupid.
Stay out of my fuckin' business, Dad.
Once it's gone, Jamie, there's no gettin' it back.
Take it from me.
I'm controlling the medication.
Her getting excited makes her narcolepsy worse.
She needs her pills and she also needs love and affection
and a life outside these four walls.
She wouldn't know what to do with it.
Listen, Patty, I've waited a long time for someone like her.
I never expected to get this lucky.
Just don't fuck it up on me now.
All right?
(LIBBY SIGHS)
- What's going on? - Take your pills.
You need to double up her dose, you know,
maybe even treble. It's obviously not strong enough.
You're not a doctor.
Sheila, me ex-wife, was heavily medicated.
She'd need to be.
Me son Liam's epileptic.
He was like Shakin' Stevens before I doubled up the tabs.
Now not so much as a tremor.
He'll have you dead in a week.
Well, it's all about control.
I'm willing to try.
Right, what we need now is a bit of excitement.
At least wait till I've left the room.
There's a do on at the Jockey. Fancy dress.
Is that exciting enough for you?
Yeah!
# When no-one else can understand me
# When everything I do is wrong
# You give me hope and consolation
- # You give me strength to carry on... # - Sorry about that.
#.. And you're always there
# To lend a hand in everything I do... #
Who have you come as?
- #.. That's the wonder... # - JFK.
- #.. The wonder of you. # - I know who the scarlet woman is.
Has the telly said anything about how to get rid of her?
Walk away.
- What? - The harder you try
the stronger she gets.
Be firm, act like you don't care
and you'll have her eating out of your hand, all right?
#.. Your kiss to me is worth a fortune... #
Noddy Holder's not dead.
Rod Hull and Emu, then. Who gives a shit?
Ah, Davros.
Isn't it brilliant? I'll get the drinks in.
#.. That's the wonder
# The wonder of you. #
- Movin' on. - What?
I was just sayin' I've got a date later.
Oh great! I'm well pleased.
Are ya...really?
Yeah, keeps you off my back.
You know, I thought me and you had something
but looking back,
I think I was just infatuated.
You came round with your... your fancy gay ways.
I was taken in.
It's great you're makin' a new start.
Well, don't try and stop me.
I won't.
#.. That's the wonder
# The wonder of you. #
(CHEERING)
ELVIS: Thank you.
You're late.
If it's one thing you need in this business, besides the obvious,
it's good timekeeping.
I've been thinking about what you said, and I agree.
This is a business arrangement.
So let's do business.
- Now. - It's over.
This is the end.
I'll tell her.
Your lovely wife.
I will tell her.
When and where and how, and how much I paid and why.
No... I'll tell her.
(IAN SINGING)
Don't start, Micky. I'm not in the mood.
I'm sayin' nothing.
Oh, good. I've had enough of your snipin' these past few weeks.
I was just lookin' out for a mate.
You were trying to split us up.
Well, at least you're not denying it.
Just leave us, please.
You know, when it ends,
when it does all fall to pieces,
when you get bored of messing around
and decide you'd much rather have a hetero...
...let him down gently, eh?
(CHEERING)
- You OK? - Yep, I'm good.
Don't think I'm taking orders
off some pissed-up slapper from the Jockey.
I haven't married her, we're just dating, and she's not a slapper.
Then why involve us?
Cos I like her and it would be nice if you all liked her an' all.
She's clever and caring,
and if you ever had anything that you were worrying about,
y'know, she's very understanding.
Well, let's see her, then.
Oh, and don't startle her, for fuck's sake.
LIAM: Local? CARL: Work?
FRANK: She drives a mobile library. SHANE: Any convictions?
FRANK: One. Political prisoner.
- Divorced? - Widow?
What are your thoughts on globalisation?
- How do you feel about drugs? - CARL: Alcohol?
- Crime? - Prostitution?
- Cubism? - Music?
(VOICES BLURRED)
If culture's a process,
is a new pattern of behaviour invented or an old one modified?
Oh, yeah, and she's a narcoleptic.
Really need to up her dose.
It's all right. The others have gone.
Frightened them off?
Cleared the place.
Frank?
Dropping Stella off.
Bet you've all had a good laugh at me.
Yep.
Told Frank he should terminate the friendship.
You don't want 'em hanging round with someone mentally unstable.
No, that's an advantage.
I see.
Your dad's told me all about you.
Must be hard, having so much upheaval in your life.
And you think a narcoleptic's going to provide some much-needed stability?
I'm quite nice once you get to know me.
I'll be the judge of that.
I hope we can be friends.
I doubt it.
Your dad and me...
We're gonna try and make a go of it.
Your funeral.
Of course I wouldn't try to replace your mum.
Wise, because I'm not looking for one.
I'm glad we had this chance to talk.
You got spaghetti in your hair.
They hated me, Frank.
The gynaecologist never prodded me so deeply.
They're just keeping a look out for me,
I made one or two mistakes in the past.
What am I getting myself into?
An honest and committed relationship.
I've got to start the meeting.
(IN "ET" VOICE) I'll be right here.
OK, everyone, settle down.
Now...Carol, you wanted to...
(SNORING)
She's looking for sponsors for her hike up Ben Nevis.
Anyone interested can speak to her after the meeting,
get a sponsorship form.
Now, moving along to discrimination in the workplace,
I know a lot of members have suffered.
The world is full of ruthless people
eager to take advantage of the vulnerable and naive.
The money was about to fall out of her purse. I was helping the woman out.
You can treat me like a fool only once, Frank.
Oh, don't act like some paragon of virtue.
You're the one that's been in the nick for inciting a riot.
Yeah, I let my emotions get the better of me and I paid my debt to society.
You were about to thieve from a good friend of mine, a kind, gentle woman,
blind, narcoleptic, and suffering from the early onset of dementia.
- How could ya? - It was the perfect crime.
She wouldn't see me, and if she did somehow know it was me,
ten minutes later she'd have fuckin' forgotten.
- Ugh! - Libby!
Fuck off, Frank!
Libby!
(STIRRING TEA)
Any chance of you lookin' after your sister?
I could do with drowning me sorrows.
None whatsoever.
I'm on a promise tonight.
What happened to whatshername?
Why not get her over?
Early night for Stella, a leg-over for you.
Might put a smile back on your face.
It's...er...not worked out.
What was all that shit about, then? Introductions and all that?
Well, I thought I could get what I wanted.
She must be special.
I haven't seen you clean your shoes since the last time you were in court.
I told yer...I'm on a promise.
And when you're onto a good thing,
you should do everything in your power
not to let it slip out of yer hands.
You can never trust 'em. They're like drug addicts, drinkers.
Promise you the earth
and then deliver something the size of a window box.
Your father was the same. Waster.
Ah, Libby darling, forget him.
You would never have settled to that, some sort of mother to his kids,
and a cook, cleaner, bottle-washer to a drunk.
I thought Frank was different.
You thought wrong.
When I was with him, I felt more alive.
For the first time in years,
I knew what it was like to have blood coursing through my veins.
Those figs are coursing right through my system.
Fetch the commode.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
- I fucked up and I needed... - I don't wanna hear it.
- Karen. - No!
No, no.
Whatever it is, I don't wanna hear it.
- (TURNS MUSIC ON) - Please!
- No. - Karen, please.
Karen!
Please!
(SHOUTING) I do not want to hear it!
# I go back to us. #
(TURNS MUSIC OFF)
I'll take over now, Dad.
All sorted?
Not yet, but it will be.
So who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
I'll leave that to you, shall I, son?
Yeah.
Gin and tonic, and a word with the landlady, please, Jamie.
She knows.
And you're still standing.
OK, well, you've left me with a bit of a problem.
Just get someone else.
There must be a million men more than willing to take my place.
Willing, yes. Qualified...hmm.
There must be someone.
(KNOCKING)
I'm a twat.
A lying, thieving, drug-taking, beer-swilling,
fanny-chasing sponger who hasn't done a day's work in his life
and doesn't care who knows it so long as it's not anyone from the DSSS.
- Frank. - Let me finish.
I wasted a good education and every opportunity was put my way.
I disappointed me mother and father,
I drove away the women who loved me,
the children who wanted something from me, I was incapable of giving,
couldn't wait to see the back of them,
so that I could return to being centre of my decrepit little universe.
But...
...when I'm with you...
...I want to be something else.
Someone else.
A bet...
A better man.
You complete me, you know.
I just nee...
Shut up!
Just shut up!
You had me at "I'm a twat"!
- Libby? - Yeah.
(GROANING)
You'll need these.
It's £5 for the psychic audience and a tenner for one-to-one, so...
Is there an Eileen in the room?
The spirits want to tell her about her wayward son.
They say Roy is feeling neglected.
Is there anything else for me?
Something about a factory closing down
and a husband with murderous thoughts.
It's Corrie.
And there's an outbreak of chlamydia on the horizon
and someone's cheating in an exam.
It's Hollyoaks.
Don't tell me, someone's had an abortion and there's a fire in the pub.
Wow, Kelly, you've got the gift as well.
No, I watched it.
She's just telling you what's been happening in the soaps.
You've still got your old aerial, Lil. It's all digital now.
I'll fuckin' white noise yer.
What have I done?
Someone better go and tell Bunty.
She's sold all her belongings and booked a parachute jump.
You get paid for this?
(GROANING)
(PANTING)
(SIGHING)
Yes...!
What time d'you want me back?
I have a slight cash flow problem, sweetie.
You've cleared me out.
(GROANS)
I'm sure we can think of something.
Kids smashed yours in,
library's shut down and you won't get a job with your record, so...
Eh?
It's all very laudable, Frank, but...
this wouldn't last two minutes where I live.
Well, it'd last a lot longer than that round here.
What are you saying?
Live with me.
Here I am.
Honest...ish, a "warts and all" autobiography,
bit dog-eared, but a good yarn.
I couldn't possibly, it's too early, it's too quick.
I need a woman in me life.
But if you take me on,, you take on the kids too.
They need someone gentle and nurturing, especially the baby.
You've got a baby?
Yeah, Stella.
You hardly notice that she's there, apart from the smell now and again.
A baby.
(# GIRLS ALOUD: The Loving Kind)
(MUSIC STOPS)
I'm sorry.
Are you leaving me?
All that...
Phone calls,
the late nights.
I was just taking care of business.
I know not to get involved with business.
It goes right over my head.
It's all sorted now.
It's over.
Good.
D'you know, if it all gets too much...
...and you can't handle it...
...take Connor, and you go.
- You just go. - No.
Fancy a brew?
Yeah, I'd love one.
- (LIBBY GROANING) - (KNOCKING AT THE DOOR)
Libby there?
I'm her mother.
She's, um...
It's all right, I'll wait.
Sorry, son, you'll need to bring those in.
(LIBBY STILL GROANING)
LIBBY: I believe that true love lasts for ever.
Occasionally it takes a holiday
but returns refreshed, deeper,
more powerful and dynamic than ever before,
coursing through your veins,
filling your brain,
your heart,
your soul with...
You have a nice sleep, Libby, love.
TV PRESENTER: If you want this item, please get on the phone now.
Yes, they are flying out.
- You won't regret... - (TURNS TV OFF)
DISTORTED VOICE: Lil-li-an...
Lil-li-an...
- Lil-li-an... - (SCREAM)
- I love you, Lil-li-an.